The time has come for me, knower of things, to dictate to the masses – who know less things – about the proper use of speakerphones.
I will preface this by acknowledging how convenient speakerphones are, and that there are specific circumstances under which they’re particularly useful.
HOWEVER!
Unless we’re speaking of a person who lacks arms, no person has ANY REASON WHATSOEVER to use speakerphone to place a phone call to another human being. Period.
Oh, I’m sorry, you feel the need to argue? Fuck you! You’re wrong, ignorant, and full of odor! I’ll dispel your arguments right here!
“Oh but Ryan! I’m driving, and it’s illegal to put the phone to your face in my state!” Tough shit, get your ass off the road before you dial. You have no business making calls while driving – my safety is at risk! If you absolutely CANNOT wait until you arrive at your destination to gab about god-knows-what, get a Bluetooth headset.
“Oh but Ryan! I am trying to (insert other activity here) while on the call!” You self-important assbag! Stop surfing the web. Stop instant messaging. Put down the sandwich. Get your hand off your cock. You may think your time is more valuable than mine, but you’re just kidding yourself. If you’re on a call, ACT LIKE YOU’RE ON A CALL. Give the caller the attention and respect he or she deserves; don’t big shot it… cause you are not a big shot. Sorry.
“Oh but Ryan! I’m deaf, and the normal setting on my cell phone is not loud enough!” TOUGH SHIT, DEAFBAG! Guess what? Time for a hearing aid! And if you don’t like the way that idea sounds, it’s okay – you won’t be able to hear it anyway, dunce. You’re clearly too God damn, incompetent, or otherwise imbecilic to use a phone. So close your eyes and drift silently into the great beyond!
“Oh but Ryan! I’m in a room by myself, interrupting nobody else, and I’m dialing an automated line on which I will not speak to (and therefore disrespect) another human being.” Permission granted. “Oh but Ryan! I just had to stroll into the other room with all those people in it–” HANG UP, YOU PRICK!
In summation, using your speakerphone in a one-on-one conversation is among the more ignorant-ass things you can do to another person. It is a symbol of your lack of respect for the person on the other end, and any person within earshot of your conversation. Phone calls are treated far too casually in modern society. Part of me longs for the days when a phone call was an event; when one was on a call, he or she devoted all of his or her attention to that call. Impractical though that may be, it was a much more respectful practice that has gone the way of the nuclear family, leather football helmets, and non-publicized presidential fellatio (*cough* JFK). I suppose this dream of mine is a pipedream – I mean, if we can’t let a president get blown without terrorizing his family about it for a decade-plus, how the hell can we expect Joe Tool to tone down his obnoxious cellular habits?